Six questions to ask when choosing your birth supporters
You may have several well-intentioned family members or friends who want to be in the room with you when you give birth. And if you’ve never given birth before, it’s hard to know how to choose your birth support team. You may not be sure who you really want to be supporting you! Here are six questions to help you decide who to choose for your support people at your birth.
When deciding if someone will be in the room when you give birth, ask yourself these questions:
1. Does this person really listen to me and respect my feelings?
People trusted in your birth space should be attuned to you and ready to help. This moment is about you and your experience giving birth to your baby. It isn’t about them being the first to meet the baby or feeling like they’re a part of the moment. If they want to be there for any other reason besides supporting you, they shouldn’t be.
2. Will they be offended if I un-invite them from my birth?
Sometimes your feelings or desires for your birth change, especially if this is your first baby. You may have thought you wanted a room full of family, only to discover during labor that you really want to be alone. If you are afraid of how someone will respond when being asked to leave, they may not be a safe person for your birth team.
3. Will this person feel comfortable helping me advocate for myselfIn labor, you should be able to focus completely on staying relaxed and in your positive, calm, birth mindset. So your supporters have a big job in helping you advocate for yourself! If you don’t think someone will have your back with the nurses and doctor, they may not be the right person to support you.
4. Will I feel the need to take care of this person?
This is a big one with family members. Often my clients say something like, “my mom really wants to be there, but I’m going to be so worried about how she’s feeling.” Or, “I want my sister to come but she says she’ll be grossed out.” If you’re going to have to support them, they shouldn’t be anywhere near your birth space. Welcome them lovingly after the baby is born and you feel ready.
5. Will this person be comfortable with all of my birth choices?
You will likely need to advocate for yourself to your care team when it comes to your birth choices if you are having a hospital birth. You shouldn’t have to advocate for yourself to your own supporters, too. If your mother-in-law thinks it’s silly that you don’t want an epidural, your sister thinks it’ll be too hard for you to breastfeed, whatever it may be — they are likely to stress you out and frustrate you during labor.
6. Is this someone who helps me feel calm and safe?
Everything else boils down to this. Birth is extremely vulnerable and intimate. You need to feel safe and supported for your body to do what it needs to do! So choose your birth team very wisely, and don’t be afraid to say no. As excited as everyone is to meet your baby and share this moment with you, it really is about you.
Help! I don’t have people in my life who meet these criteria!
Although you don’t want unsupportive people in your birth space, you likely don’t want to be alone either. That’s where doulas come in! Whether you have plenty of supportive family or no one, a doula can help you feel confident and supported in labor, can help advocate for you, and create a calm birth environment.
A doula is also an unbiased support person who has more experience and knowledge around birth. This can not just be helpful to you, but also put your partner and other family at ease!